Last night I had a vivid dream that David was killed in a car accident. It was gut-wrenching. I actually woke with tears streaming down my face and I had to reach over in bed and hold him to make sure he was still there.
The dream began with the kids and I driving back to the farm in the car, with David supposedly following us in the ute about 5 mins later. We got to the farm and the kids were watching TV while we waited for him. An hour later 3 men in roadwork type uniforms knocked on the door and I knew straight away that something awful had happened.
'It's David isn't it?' I asked, feeling my legs grow instantly weak.
They nodded and beckoned for me to come outside away from the children.
'Is he in hospital, is he okay?' I asked, hopeful.
They all looked down and slightly shook their heads.
My world collapsed. There was a pain filling every fibre inside of me and it was so painful I couldn't describe it. I fell to the ground in a howling mess. They tried to hold me but my insides were breaking and falling through their fingers.
'I want to see him' I cried.
They took me back to the crash site where his ute was upside down in a gum tree.
'He hit a puddle at high speed, his leg was severely damaged and he bled to death' They said quietly. I howled.
They took me back to my home and my bed where I lay trying to hold my insides together.
Then, in a sort of mist, David came to me and he lay next to me for one last time. I traced my finger down his beautiful face.
'Did you get knocked out first?' I asked him, hoping he had felt no pain. He shook his head. I cried and held him and looked at his shredded leg, I never wanted to let go.
'Will you be okay?' he asked.
'No!' I cried and cried. Then I whispered through my tears, 'but I will be.'
He gave me a small smile and then disappeared. Forever. Gone.
I was absolutely devastated. There was a lump in my throat that would never go away. There were messages all over facebook saying 'This can't be!', with pictures of his ute. It was a tragedy for everyone. He was the kindest, loveliest, most courageous and honest human ever. It was such a loss to the world. I felt so ripped off for the children. The fact that he wouldn't be there for all of their milestones when he would have loved every minute of their lives. He was an exceptional father.
At his funeral I spoke about how I was the luckiest woman in the world to have had 15 years with him and to have created a family but that it wasn't enough. I should have got 50 more years with him. We truly loved each other. We really looked forward to every morning, day and evening together. We had something really special. And here I woke up, my face wet with tears, my heart hurting at the dream but with the realisation that he was still next to me. I am one of the lucky ones.
Lessons from this dream
My heart sits with those who have had to face a reality similar to my dream above, and there are particular people who I know and am thinking about when I say this. I believe you are the strongest people I know, to get up everyday and go on living after going through something like this. You are human warriors of the heart.
Firstly I learnt from my dream that I am so wealthy. I am so lucky to have the most incredible husband and I need to love him more and tell him how much I love him every single day because you never know when it will be the last for any of us. I get this opportunity, others don't.
Then I learnt this. All of my other troubles just fall away when I think of a life without David. As long as we are together nothing else matters. What house we live in, how much money we have, what jobs we have. We have had such a tough year with a complete life flip but none of it matters because it's always been about our love. Love for each other, love for our children, love for our planet. I also need to extend that love to everyone I know and care about.
Live life in the now. In the moment. I know these things are often said but after a vividly real dream like the one I had, these statements could not be any truer. Appreciate everyone and everything today! Every day. I won't waste energy on people or troubles that bring me down. There isn't time. Life is too amazing. Life is such a gift. We should all be so grateful just to be here. To have the opportunity to make each other happy. What a blessing. What a gift life is!